Everyone has their quirks, little things in life that just make them tick, and it’s easier to see this in authors. Specifically, dead authors.

But Ree, you might say at the start of your literary-fueled moral crisis. Isn’t this like desecrating the memory of the dead or something?

Bah! Nonsense! The best literary memes are about dead authors anyway, and so influenced by social media as my generation is, what am I but the product of my digital surroundings?

So without further delay, let us talk about dead authors. Or specifically, let us look at dead authors’ books, and make assumptions about the rest of their books and characters based on the small sample of works we (I) have read!

William Shakespeare

• Without a doubt the coolest person on the list
• His works encouraging philosophical and intellectual thinking? Nonsense, overdone. His works being sarcastic, absurd, not-at-all-serious productions? Hot take, 10 out of 10
• William Shakespeare? More like William ShakesBEER
• Would definitely out-drink you at the bar
• Would definitely get more girls than you
• Would also lose girls just as quickly because of how many dirty jokes he’d say randomly and in the most inappropriate places
• “What, you egg?”
• Breakfast would be his favorite meal and it is where he would derive his best insults from.
• “You are a saucy boy.”
• Shakespeare is a saucy boy.

Franz Kafka

• “The horror, the horror,” baby!
• Wait no that was someone else
• The epitome of daddy issues, the legend, the man himself! Referenced in quite a number of his works! We love resolving our childhood trauma by shoving it in novels for the entire world to see
• Possibly collected bugs as a child
• Possibly became a bug as an adult
• In the end, will we ever know the answer to was the bug a cockroach or a dung beetle? We may never know.

William Faulkner

• Oh Faulkner. Oh sweet, sweet Faulkner, what was going on with your writing
• Would be obnoxious to talk to, you would understand nothing, stream-of-consciousness-and-invented-a-new-form-of-writing my ass!
• Only redeeming thing about him is he invented Quentin
• But he didn’t give Caddy a section WHY
• Gives Mishima a run for his money with the interesting topics that he likes to write about, though Faulkner’s is far less uh, inappropriate
• Though not out of lack of trying
• Wishy-washy principles on race in general
• He would be bullied in school if he ever attended
• Which he wasn’t because he dropped out in high school smh
• Coward, hiding behind your wall of words
• Would be the kid to run for class president before abdicating just because he could

Homer

• The OG, the mad man himself, definitely down to throw down with you in some weird poetic rap battle
• An aura of mystery, no one knows anything about him, we don’t even know if he was one man??
• Probably an emotional, sentimental guy, a nice, decent man (men??)
• Solely on the basis that he was Greek, he is also Potentially Gay ✨

Yukio Mishima

• Potential Gay, meet Definite Gay
• Definitely Gay, repressed, and oppressed ✨✨
• This guy’s issues had issues, potentially from being taken from his mother, locked away by his grandma, and not allowed to interact with any boys so he had no idea how to act around his own sex, causing him trouble interacting with men throughout his life?
• Only thinks of three things: death, men, and STARTING A COUP IN JAPAN TO REINSTATE THE EMPEROR TO HIS FORMER POWER
• (Anyway he failed and killed himself via seppuku. So. Definitely Dead)
• RIP, both him and every other character that died horrifically in his novels
• A bodybuilder for some time, so could take you OUT in his later years
• Definitely not a body builder in his younger years, so you could definitely take him OUT while he was still sickly and weak
• Most of his books are somewhat autobiographical, so there may or may not have been a potential fascination with St. Sebastian, I don’t know, you don’t know, certainly his wife doesn’t know
• Literary jock at its finest

Closing Thoughts

Apologies if anyone’s favorite author was insulted, I feel very strongly about the deceased. I thought five was a good, solid prime number to stop at, so there you go!

Any thoughts, comments, or concerns about dead authors in general?